Folie A Deux
by Dr. Dredd
Summary: What went through McKay's and Cadman's minds during Duet? This is the one you've been waiting for, folks... The Date!
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: Folie a Deux

**Author**: Dr. Dredd

**Spoilers**: Duet

**Season**: 2

**Genre**: Humor, H/C

**Rated**: K+ or PG-13 for slight language and sexual innuendo

**Disclaimer**: Stargate Atlantis, characters, concept, etc, aren't mine. Words in **bold** are lines from the script, which also doesn't belong to me.

**Reviews**: Always appreciated...

**Summary**: What went through McKay's and Cadman's minds during Duet?

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_Rodney_

We were walking in a field of flowers that were seriously wreaking havoc with my allergies. I listened with half an ear as Rambette and Carson prattled about God knows what. We were looking for any survivors on this blighted world, and weren't finding any.

"**So, maybe you should pick some wildflowers from around here. I think she'd get a kick out of that**." It took me a minute to realize that Lieutenant... Cadman, was it?... was talking to me. Uh-oh. Did she mean what I think she meant?

"**What are you talking about?**" I demanded. Best to stay on the offensive.

"**You've got a date tomorrow tonight with Katie Brown, right? She's a botanist. She never gets to go offworld, so ...**" Oh, crap. How did this annoying woman find out?

"**What's this now!**" Carson's eyes gleamed and his accent grew a bit broader. I could tell he was about to have way too much fun at my expense.

"**It's nothing, nothing.**" Maybe he would believe it. And maybe Kavanaugh would grow a brain.

"**You have a date, Rodney? With a woman?**"

"**It is simply two adults sharing some friendly...**" I stopped. He didn't have to sound so damned surprised! "**Yes, with a woman!**" I snapped. At least it wasn't with a female sheep!

Dr. Kildare and G.I. Jane started laughing before I could deliver that truly brilliant comeback. "**Well, she's excited about it. Not sure why, though.**" Cadman gave me a smug grin that I really wished I could wipe off her face. Carson would probably kill me, though. He'd been shamelessly flirting with her ever since we came through the gate.

"**How would you know?**"

Cadman actually leered at me. "**Girls' poker night. I know a lot of things, McKay...**"

Right! That's it. I did NOT have to just stand here and take this abuse. "**I'm sure it's none of your business. This is an inappropriate field conversation!**"

"**What? I was just suggesting you might wanna pick some flowers ...**" The look of innocence on her face was touching, but so not convincing.

"**Yes, and maybe you should just do your job, which is to protect us!**" The department heads of Science and Medical were too important to lose because a stupid grunt couldn't stop gossiping.

"**Shut up**," Cadman suddenly interrupted. She was looking around like she had heard something. Well, I didn't give a damn what she thought she heard. I wasn't going to let her get away with being rude like that.

"**Shut up? Let me tell you something...**" I paused, trying to think of something appropriately nasty to tell her.

"**Stop speaking!**" Now I heard what had alerted her. It was a humming noise that was becoming louder with each second. I think we realized what it was at the same time.

"**Dart**," said Cadman grimly. She hit a button on her radio. "**We have a Dart incoming**." Turning back to us, she practically shrieked, "**MOVE IT!**"

I'm a genius. I didn't have to be told twice. But any hope I had that the Dart would overlook us was dashed when it changed course to arrow straight at us. This was very bad. Cadman thought so, too. "**Scatter!**" she yelled. She shoved Carson to one side and he promptly fell over, the klutz. Unfortunately, the dart swept us up before I could call him on it.

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_Laura_

I hadn't been happy when Colonel Sheppard gave me the assignment for the day. Babysit two annoying scientists while looking for nonexistent survivors of a Wraith culling? Yeah, that sounded like fun. And when I saw that one of the scientists was none other than Dr. Rodney McKay, asshole extraordinaire, I remember thinking that the day couldn't get much worse.

But I perked up when I found out that Dr. Beckett was the other labcoat. I'm a sucker for guys with accents, and a Scottish brogue is right up there with the best of them. It also didn't hurt that he's easy on the eyes. Maybe if I killed McKay and hid the body, I could actually enjoy myself.

Although if I did that, I would be disappointing my friend Katie Brown. For reasons that I couldn't fathom, she actually wanted to go out with him. He has no social skills and would probably faint (excuse me, 'pass out') if a woman actually showed any real interest in him, yet Katie wanted to go on a date with Rodney McKay.

Well, there really wasn't any accounting for taste.

So I rode herd on the two civilians while we explored the dead world. Colonel Sheppard would be upset if I let anything happen to their sorry asses. (Well, Beckett's wasn't sorry. Actually, it was rather cute... but sadly, I couldn't let myself be distracted.)

After awhile, even Sheppard realized this was an exercise in futility. "**Alright, I'm about ready to call this one**," he said over the radio. "**Doesn't look like there are any survivors.**"

"**The cullings are getting more and more intense!**" Teyla sounded distraught, no doubt thinking of her own people that were lost to the Wraith. I haven't had my own command yet, but I imagine I'd feel the same way.

"**Well, you said it yourself: too many Wraith woke up at the same time. Too many mouths to feed... or ... hands to feed.**" Wiseass.

Major Lorne spoke up for the first time. "**Well, we're headin' back to the Gate - meet you there?**"

"**Sounds like a plan. McKay, Beckett, you having any luck?**"

"**Negative, Colonel. We haven't found anyone.**" Wow. The doc could recite a grocery list with that accent and make it sound sexy!

As we wandered back to rendezvous with the others, I thought of a way to yank McKay's chain. Might as well have some fun as long as we're here. I made myself speak nonchalantly. "**So, maybe you should pick some wildflowers from around here. I think she'd get a kick out of that.**" Good grief! For a minute, McKay looked like he didn't even know what I was talking about! "**You've got a date tomorrow tonight with Katie Brown, right? She's a botanist. She never gets to go offworld, so ...**" It was true that Katie loved flowers, but that definitely wasn't my top priority!

Dr. Beckett's curiosity was definitely piqued. "**What's this, now?**" He looked like he was going to enjoy getting in a few jabs (no pun intended), especially since McKay has been rumored to give him so much grief when he's in the infirmary.

McKay sputtered a bit, then recovered. "**It's nothing, nothing**."

Beckett gave me a quick wink and asked innocently, "**You have a date, Rodney? With a woman?**"

"**It is simply two adults sharing some friendly... Yes with a woman!**" I couldn't help myself at that point; I started giggling. The doc laughed too, which seemed to piss McKay off even more.

I couldn't let Dr. Beckett one-up me in the insults department, so I cheerfully added. "**Well, she's excited about it. Not sure why, though.**" I've never seen anyone's face turn quite that shade of red before. Rodney McKay never did anything halfway, that was for sure!

"**How would you know?**"

I leered at him. "**Girls' poker night. I know a lot of things, McKay...**" I refrained from waggling my eyebrows at him. That would have been a little too Groucho Marx-like.

The explosion finally came. "**I'm sure it's none of your business. This is an inappropriate field conversation!**"

Hah! Game, set, and match to me. "**What? I was just suggesting you might wanna pick some flowers…**" I began to hear a tiny buzzing noise, just above the audible threshold.

"**Yes, and maybe you should just do your job, which is to protect us!**" The buzzing sound was getting louder, and suddenly I thought I knew what it was.

Oh, crap. "**Shut up.**" I said calmly.

McKay got even more irate at that. "**Shut up? Let me tell you something ...**"

"**Stop speaking!**" I said urgently. Miraculously, he did so, and then all three of us could hear the sound. It confirmed what I had feared.

"**Dart. We have a dart incoming**," I said as I activated my radio. I looked at McKay and Beckett, who were just standing there. "**MOVE IT**!" Thank God they listened and started back towards the Gate. I followed just behind.

I heard Colonel Sheppard's frantic voice over my radio. "**Seeing us will blow Atlantis' cover. Anyone get a clear shot, you take it, understand?**" He didn't have to remind me. If our cover was blown now, the deaths of our people during the siege would have been in vain. I didn't know any of them, but I sure as hell appreciated their sacrifice.

The buzzing overhead continued to increase in volume, and I looked up, knowing what I would find. The damned thing was closing in on us as we ran for the Gate. We were sitting ducks, and it knew it. We needed to split up, present it with more than one target. "**Scatter!**"

I pushed Dr. Beckett to one side, intending that he run in a perpendicular direction from us. Instead, he fell over. I was about to say something, then I saw that the dart had chosen McKay and I as its targets. "**McKay!**" I yelled. It was too late, though. The transport beam took us. My last thought before dematerializing was that McKay and Beckett definitely needed more field training. I'd volunteer to help with Beckett's, but pity the poor soul who got stuck with McKay.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Words in **bold** are lines from the episode script. Words in **_bold and italic_** indicate McKay if the scene is from Cadman's POV and Cadman if the scene is from McKay's POV. Everyone got that? Good. :-)

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_Rodney_

I slowly became aware of my surroundings again, but I couldn't move at all. From the sound of things, I had landed myself back in the infirmary. Damn! Don't get me wrong; I think Carson's a good doctor despite all the crap I give him, but I really do hate being stuck here. It gives me the creeps, although I'd never admit that to anyone.

What the hell was wrong with me, anyway? I couldn't even open my eyes, never mind move. Oh my God! Was I paralyzed for life? I didn't think this was the effect of a Wraith stunner, since I didn't remember being stunned. Actually, come to think of it, I didn't remember very much else, either. This was very very bad.

All of a sudden I could hear Carson's voice coming from my left side. Who was he talking to? "**All of his vitals are stable. His body's reacting like it's been struck by a Wraith stunner.**" That doesn't sound good. I'm a dead man.

A female voice responded. Elizabeth! "**So you think once the initial shock is over, we'll have the old McKay back?**" Well, I for one hope we do!

"**I'm afraid so.**" Oh, I am SO going to get you for that one, Carson. I will make your life miserable, you bagpipe-blowing idiot! "**Have they had any luck with the wreckage?**"

Come on, Elizabeth. Stand up for me! "**No. Lieutenant Cadman is still in there somewhere. Did you know her well?**" So much for standing up for me…. Wait a minute. Did she say Cadman's stuck? Now I absolutely have to get up. They'll never get her back in time if they leave this to Radek or Kavanaugh.

"**No, not really. She was with the new batch that came aboard the Daedalus. She seemed quite lovely, though. She saved my life.**" You can stop flirting with Cadman now. She's not even here. If I could have rolled my eyes, I would have.

"**Well, you'll be the first person I call when we find her.**"

Against my will, I found myself fading out again. No, no, no! I needed to wake up, not fall more deeply into whatever state I was in. But no one listens to me, least of all my own body.

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_Laura_

The first thing I became aware of was that I felt subtly wrong in some way. I couldn't really put my finger on it, but my body felt somehow different. I couldn't open my eyes or move, but I thought that I was in Atlantis' infirmary. Snap out of it, soldier! What the hell happened? I remembered being swept up by a transport beam with McKay. How had we been rescued from that? By every right, we should be dead or on a Wraith hive ship by now. Wow. This was a story I definitely wanted to hear. Maybe Colonel Sheppard would come by soon and fill me in.

"**All of his vitals are stable. His body's reacting like it's been struck by a Wraith stunner.**" That was definitely Dr. Beckett. Was he talking about McKay? If so, maybe the same thing had happened to me. It sure would explain the paralysis thing. Good! Maybe that meant that I would be fully waking up soon.

"**So you think once the initial shock is over, we'll have the old McKay back?**"

"**I'm afraid so.**" Good one, doc! But enough with McKay. It's my turn to be fussed over now. "**Have they had any luck with the wreckage?**"

"**No. Lieutenant Cadman is still in there somewhere. Did you know her well?**" That was Dr. Weir. But what was she talking about? I'm right here. Does she not see me or something?

"**No, not really. She was with the new batch that came aboard the Daedalus. She seemed quite lovely, though. She saved my life.**" You think I'm lovely? Cool! But let's get back to the real issue. Why does everyone think I'm not here?

"**Well, you'll be the first person I call when we find her.**" Okay. I am now officially freaked out. Wait a minute. Something just occurred to me. Am I dead? It would really suck to be dead. Is that why they can't see me? Where's Bruce Willis when you need him?

Uh-oh. I'm starting to fade out. If I'm dead, does this mean I'm headed to my final destination? I think I've been good. I've mostly been good. Well, maybe a little bit bad...

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_Rodney_

I think I'm awake for real this time. Why do I say that? Because I feel like crap. My body aches in places I didn't even know were there and my brain feels as sluggish as an IBM PC AT. I think they came out in 1984. Ohhhh, this is really not good.

At least I can open my eyes, though. Yup, I'm definitely in the infirmary again. "**Hello?**" Any minute now the Master and Commander of this realm will come along to shine an annoying light in my eyes.

And speaking of the devil... "**How're you feeling, Rodney?**"

Just peachy. "**Um, terrible. What happened?**"

"**You were scooped up by a Dart**," Carson said. What! Has he been sampling his whiskey stash? This doesn't look like the inside of a hive ship to me, and I somehow doubt that the Wraith would be so concerned for my wellbeing.

"**Oh, great! How'd I get out?**" Hopefully that didn't sound too incredulous -- you know what? On second thought, I don't care how it sounded.

"**It's a long story, but I'm glad to see you're doing well.**" Oh, good. I'm glad you're glad. Now, do you mind telling me what you're doing to make sure there aren't any long term effects? I'd like to stay well, if you know what I mean.

"**_Hello? Doctor Beckett_**." That sounded like Cadman. Didn't I hear someone say she was trapped in wreckage?

"**Is that Cadman?**"

"**_Doctor McKay!_**"

Where the hell is she? She's not in the bed next to me. Hmm... she's not anywhere else in the infirmary, either. "**Where is she?**"

"**_I'm right here._**"

"**Lieutenant Cadman is still trapped inside the Dart**." Okaaaay. Then why do I hear her voice loud and clear?

"**_What!_**"

Wait a minute. I don't know where she is, but she at least should have some idea. Maybe that's not her after all? "**Who said that?**"

"**I did**," said Carson, giving me the strangest of looks.

"**You said 'what!'**?"

"**I said Lieutenant Cadman is still trapped inside the Dart**." There was a mixture of annoyance and concern on his face.

"**No, no, no, did you just say the word, 'What?'?**" He's being unusually dense today.

"**No, I didn't.**"

"**_McKay!_**" Now I'm sure. That's definitely Cadman's voice. It insulted me too much back on the planet for me not to recognize it.

"**Yes, where are you?**"

Carson seems to be getting more and more agitated. "**I'm right here**." He's starting to look like he wants to call Heightmeyer. I'm not sure why. I'm just trying to have a conversation with Lieutenant Cadman, whom I can't locate at the moment.

"**No, no, I'm talking to Cadman -- shut up for a second.**"

"**She's not here, Rodney.**" He's slowly moving his hand toward his lab coat pocket. Is he going for a needle? I'm not crazy!

"**_Yes I am!_**"

"**You didn't just hear that -- you didn't just hear Lieutenant Cadman?**"

"**No, I didn't**."

Of course! For a genius, I can be an idiot sometimes. "**Headset!**" I put my hands to my ears and felt around. Maybe not. "**I'm not wearing a headset.**"

"**_McKay, where are you?_**" Great. Now she's sounding pissed off. I didn't do anything! She's the one who's talking out of thin air.

"**I'm right in front of Carson**." I don't even want to know where Cadman might think I am.

"**_Oh no. Uh, put your hands over your eyes._**"

What's she up to now? "**Why?**"

"**_Just do it!_**"

Carson's voice was suddenly gentle. "**Lieutenant Cadman is still trapped inside the Dart. I think maybe you're experiencing some sort of ... Rodney, what are you doing?**"

"**_Oh, this is terrible._**"

I'll say. Something horribly, horribly wrong is happening here. "**What's terrible?**"

"**_I can see that! I can see your hands over your eyes as if they were my eyes._**"

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. This is not physically possible. Only in some stupid Star Trek episode could this ever happen. I looked at Carson. "**Who got us out of the dart?**"

"**Zelenka -- but he only got you out. Lieutenant Cadman is still trapped inside the Dart.**"

I wanted to scream. From the sound of it, so did Cadman. Maybe blowing something up would make us feel better. (Well, it would make ME feel better, anyway.) But I couldn't just keep Carson in suspense. "**Cadman's not trapped in the dart... She's in here.**" I tapped my head in disgust.

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_Laura_

I'm going to be sick. I'm awake again, but I really wish I wasn't. My head is pounding, I feel like I'm going to throw up, and my vision is really fuzzy. In short, it feels like one of the worst hangovers I've ever had.

I don't remember getting drunk, though. I don't remember anything... wait a minute. Now it's coming back. I was swept up into the dart with McKay, and I vaguely remember waking up once before. Something happened... oh, yeah. I thought I might be dead.

Dead! Aside for the fact that it would put a serious crimp in my style, I don't think it's possible for me to be dead and feel this lousy. Obviously, then, there's another explanation. Why do I think I won't like it any better?

Oh, good. There's a familiar voice. "**Hello? Doctor Beckett?**" Huh. That's a little weird. I can hear myself speaking, but it doesn't sound exactly like me. It's almost as if my words are echoing off something.

"**_Is that Cadman?_**"

Thank God. I recognize that voice, too. "**Doctor McKay!**" Again with the weird echo-effect.

"**_Where is she?_**"

Well, duh. If I'm hearing both you and Beckett, we're probably in the infirmary. "**I'm right here.**" I am here, but you are not there. Or is that just the hangover?

"**Lieutenant Cadman is still trapped inside the Dart**." That was Beckett.

"**What!**" Hey doc, you got a secret stash of scotch whiskey that you've been sampling? Because I'm in the infirmary with you. I can hear you and McKay talking about me. (And boy, do I wish you were saying something else!) It's impossible that I'm still trapped in the dart.

"**_Who said that?_**"

"**I did.**" Dr. Beckett's beginning to realize there's more of a problem here than he thought. He and McKay went back and forth for a few minutes with a kind of "who's on first" routine. I tuned them out for a few minutes until I heard McKay say something about headsets.

"**_I'm not wearing a headset._**" As he said that, my vision began to return. I was right; I am in the infirmary. I can't seem to control my eyes, though. I'm trying to look in different directions, but I can only stare straight ahead. Out of the corner of my eye I can see a somewhat hairy-looking arm, and in front of me is Dr. Beckett. So where's McKay?

"**McKay, where are you?**"

"**_I'm right in front of Carson._**" That can't be right. I'm in front of Carson. He's a physicist; he should know that two bodies can't simultaneously occupy the same space… oh, shit.

"**Oh, no. Uh, put your hands over your eyes.**" Just as I thought. My vision is suddenly blocked again.

Dr. Beckett has obviously concluded that McKay's nuts. He is, but not in the way that the doc thinks. "**Lieutenant Cadman is still trapped inside the Dart. I think maybe you're experiencing some sort of ... Rodney, what are you doing?**"

"**Oh, this is terrible… I can see that! I can see your hands over your eyes as if they were my eyes!**" I'm inhabiting his body. It's the only conclusion I can come up with. Oh, yuck! Out of all the people in Atlantis, why does it have to be McKay?

Hey, doc? Can I have some of that secret whiskey stash, too?

I realize that I've tuned McKay out again. Gotta start listening, unfortunately. For a genius, he can be an idiot sometimes. "**_No, no, no, no, no, no, no!_**"

Ha! No argument from me.

He sounded resigned now as he told Beckett, "**_Cadman's not trapped in the Dart…. she's in here._**" He rapped his head.

Ouch! Hey, that hurt!

TBC

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A/N: What do you think? Is the formatting too confusing? I can try to come up with something else if it is.


	3. Chapter 3

_Rodney_

"**Oh, nice work!**" The dart and all its components are in smithereens. I don't think these guys could have broken them into more pieces if they let the ape from those old luggage ads jump all over everything. I'm especially disappointed in Radek. I've taught him better.

"**We were running out of power. I knew hardly anything about the machine. Who would have thought this could be one of the side effects?**" Excuses, excuses. Bottom line is, you screwed up and now I have a woman stuck in my head!

Um... that didn't come out the way I intended.

Whatever. "**So, instead of waiting to understand what it was you were doing, you just sort of mashed on the keyboard hoping something would happen!**" Don't get me wrong, that technique sometimes works, but I wouldn't try it when someone else's life is at stake!

"**Well, you're alive, aren't you?**" No thanks to you and that trigger-happy lunatic, Sheppard. What the hell was he thinking, shooting the dart down like that? Yeah, I know the thing would have gone through the gate, but surely he could have found a better way of stopping it than playing Space Invaders!

"**_Ask him if he knows how to fix it._**" I was wondering when she'd show up again. Yes, thank you, Lieutenant, I wouldn't have thought of that if you didn't say something.

"**He doesn't know how to fix it!**" I can see Carson giving me that same look he did while I was in the infirmary. I guess it probably does seem a little weird seeing me talk into thin air, but we've seen enough strange things in this galaxy that he shouldn't be surprised anymore! Elizabeth and Sheppard are also looking at me like I'm crazy.

"**What?**" If possible, Radek looks even more confused than he did a minute ago.

"**I'm talking to her!**" And if she really wanted to help, it would be her turn to STOP SPEAKING!

Elizabeth still doesn't look like she's buying this. "**You can hear her thoughts?**"

NO! That would be horrible. "**No, not her thoughts, thank God. I can hear when she's speaking... when she's trying to speak.**" And that's bad enough!

"**Are you sure he should have been discharged from the infirmary, Carson?**" Uh-huh! The only thing worse than having Cadman in my brain would be having to stay in the infirmary with Cadman in my brain. Between her and the Scottish snake-oil salesman, they'd nag me to death.

"**According to the MRI, he's as healthy as he ever was.**" Hello, standing right here! You can quit talking about me like I'm a five year-old.

"**_It doesn't feel very healthy in here!_**"

Who asked you? "**Well, we can't all be track stars, now, can we?**" Some of us would prefer to be faster in the thought department than in the feet department.

They're staring at me again. Oh, for crying out loud... "**It was her again!**"

Sheppard is whispering to Carson now. "**Maybe there's something wrong an MRI wouldn't pick up, if you know what I mean.**" Fine. See if I try to help you again when an alien glowy-squid woman makes a fool (and several other things) out of you. And you, Carson, can wipe that grin off your face or I'll tell everyone how you cried when you heard your mother's plants died.

"**I'm not crazy - I just have another consciousness in my brain!**"

"**So he just looks crazy**." I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.

"**I'm sure I do, but only because Doctor Fumbles McStupid over here was in way over his head!**" I'm not sure where I came up with that, but it sounds good.

"**Yes, yes, I made a mistake trying to save your life.**" Did he just mumble that he won't make that mistake again? "**Now, do you want to try to fix it, or do you want to continue to berate me some more?**"

"**I'm perfectly capable of doing both at the same time.**" I'm a very good multitasker. "**Now, I assume you've tried to run one of our own generators on it?**"

"**It's not as simple as that ...**"

"**_Why not?_**" Probably because you can't just hook up a power source made by one species to a machine made by another! Although Radek and I did try that once... and blew up half the lab. (_A/N: "It's a Hardware Problem_")

I never noticed before how much Zelenka looks like a mad scientist when he's upset. "**The trick is having it interface with the Wraith machine in real time. The power fluctuations are, are, are huge. Er, if we overshoot just a little ...**"

"**_Wait, wait, what does that mean?_**"

"**...we're screwed up.**"

I can't think! This woman's chattering is so damn distracting! "**Yeah, yeah. Um, I'm sure if we can maybe run an interface program that will take care of all the...**" Shit! I'm not even sure what I mean.

"**_Hullooo? Rodney? Will you please answer me?_**"

NO! Leave me alone! "**Uh, here's what I want us to try.**"

"**_Rodney!_**"

Shut up! "**We'll take a, uh, naqahdah generator ...**"

"**_Ro-o-o-odney!_**"

"**... and, um ...**" I'm going to kill her.

"**_Rodney. Rodney!_**"

"**... and, uh ...**"

"**_Rodney! RODNEY!_**"

"**YES! WHAT!**" Oh, crap. I said that aloud, didn't I?

"**_Stop ignoring me._**"

"**Well, stop asking stupid questions!**" They already think I'm nuts; how much worse can it get?

"**Rodney...**" Uh-oh. Carson's got the needle and straitjacket look again. I'd like to see that big baby deal with something like this. He'd be a basket case by now!

However, I'm also going to be a basket case if Cadman doesn't pipe down. "**I will get you out of here, OK? Now just be a good little girlie and keep quiet.**"

That statement didn't go over very well. "**_Don't you dare condescend to me! This is as much my problem as it is yours._**" The other women in room seem to think I'm a male chauvinist. Including Elizabeth.

"**And** **do you have a degree in physics, hmm? Well, what about mechanical engineering, huh?**" This double Ph.D. thing had better come in handy.

"**Rodney?**"

"**YES!**" Oops. That wasn't Cadman, that was Elizabeth. She thinks I yelled at her, and she doesn't look too thrilled. "**Sorry. I'm sorry. What, please?**"

"**Why don't we let Zelenka handle this?**"

Oh, that's just typical. "**I'm fine.**"

Sheppard finally comes out and says it. "**No, you're not.**"

"**And I'd like you to talk to Dr. Heightmeyer.**"

Sure, Elizabeth. And while I'm wasting my time, these guys could succeed in obliterating the dart totally. Then where will Cadman and I be? "**I think it'd be more useful if I was...**"

"**Rodney. I'm not asking you.**"

All right, if that's the way we're going to play it. "**Fine.**"

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_Laura_

"**_Oh, nice work!_**"

"**We were running out of power. I knew hardly anything about the machine. Who would have thought this could be one of the side effects?**" From the little I've seen of Dr. Zelenka, he appears to be a nice guy. Now he not only has to save the day, he has to do it with McKay breathing down his neck. I don't envy him.

"**_So, instead of waiting to understand what it was you were doing, you just sort of mashed on the keyboard hoping something would happen!_**"

"**Well, you're alive, aren't you?**" I think Zelenka is actually being remarkably patient. If it were me in that position, I probably would have shot McKay by now.

"**Ask him if he knows how to fix it.**" Do something constructive instead of just acting like a jerk.

"**_He doesn't know how to fix it!_**" Oh, of course not. No one but His Brilliance himself can handle that job.

Dr. Weir wanted to know if Rodney could hear my thoughts. Thank goodness he can't. I'm also relieved that I can't hear his. I honestly don't want to know what's going through that mind of his -- what comes out of his mouth is bad enough.

"**Are you sure he should have been discharged from the infirmary, Carson?**" Poor Doc Beckett. Bet they never taught you anything about this in medical school.

"**According to the MRI, he's as healthy as he ever was.**"

That's not saying much. "**It doesn't feel very healthy in here!**"

"**_Well, we can't all be track stars, now, can we?_**" There's a difference between not being a track star and being a slug! Yeah, that's probably not fair, but I'm entitled to my snit!

At least it's fun watching everybody think McKay's crazy. (Why should today be any different?) "**_It was her again!_**" he yelled at the room in general.

Colonel Sheppard isn't really comfortable with medical issues, I've noticed. "**Maybe there's something wrong an MRI wouldn't pick up, if you know what I mean.**" He and Beckett smirk at each other, and McKay's still fuming.

"**_I'm not crazy - I just have another consciousness in my brain!_**" And don't they all say that?

"**So he just looks crazy**." Sir, no one ever said you beat around the bush!

"**_I'm sure I do, but only because Doctor Fumbles McStupid over here was in way over his head!_**" Oops. McKay's having a full-blown fit now.

"**Yes, yes, I made a mistake trying to save your life.**" Here's some free advice, Dr. Z. Next time, don't. You'll probably be promoted to his job, and you won't have to listen to his whining. "**Now, do you want to try to fix it, or do you want to continue to berate me some more?**"

"_**I'm perfectly capable of doing both at the same time.** **Now, I assume you've tried to run one of our own generators on it?**_"

"**It's not as simple as that ...**"

"**Why not?**" Seems like a good idea to me.

"**The trick is having it interface with the Wraith machine in real time. The power fluctuations are, are, are huge. Er, if we overshoot just a little ...**" OK, now you're losing me. Can't you lab rats ever say things in less than three syllables? I was a political science major, for crying out loud! And ROTC took away lots of studying time.

"**Wait, wait, what does that mean?**"

"**...we're screwed up.**" Thank you. That's a term I can understand. So what are you and Wonder Boy here going to do about it?

"**_Yeah, yeah. Um, I'm sure if we can maybe run an interface program that will take care of all the..._**" You're ignoring me, aren't you, you little shit!

"**Hullooo? Rodney? Will you please answer me?**" Buster, I had five older brothers and I was the only girl in the family. You don't want me to think that you're ignoring me; I know what to do about it.

"**_Uh, here's what I want us to try._**"

"**Rodney!**"

"**_We'll take a, uh, naqahdah generator ..._**"

"**Ro-o-o-odney!**" Getting tired of me yet?

"**_... and, um ..._**"

"**Rodney. Rodney!**"

"**_... and, uh ..._**"

"**Rodney! RODNEY!**"

"**_YES! WHAT!_**"

Gotcha. "**Stop ignoring me.**"

"**_Well, stop asking stupid questions!_**" I guarantee that if you were trapped in my body you'd be equally clueless about what I do for a living. So cut me a little slack here, you... you…

"**Rodney.**" Dr. Beckett... Carson, can I call you Carson? Can you please talk some sense into Dr. Maple Leaf here?

"**_I will get you out of here, OK? Now just be a good little girlie and keep quiet._**" Girlie? GIRLIE! That's it, McKay. You're dead. Dead! When I get my hands on you... well, when I get hands, period... I'm going to make you wish your sorry ass never left Siberia. Yeah, I know about your little exile up there.

"**Don't you dare condescend to me! This is as much my problem as it is yours.**" You arrogant, misogynistic, annoying little man!

Eww. That last thought was gross. Don't go there again, Laura.

"_**And** **do you have a degree in physics, hmm? Well, what about mechanical engineering, huh?**_"

"**Rodney?**" Apparently I'm not the only one who's had enough of this guy. Dr. Weir's looking steamed, too.

"_**YES!**... **Sorry. I'm sorry. What, please?**_"

"**Why don't we let Zelenka handle this?**" She also wants him... us... to talk to Dr. Heightmeyer. I'm not impressed with her, but maybe she can figure something out.

"**_I think it'd be more useful if I was..._**" For once, McKay and I are in agreement.

"**Rodney. I'm not asking you.**"

"**_Fine._**" And the next thing I know, we're out in the hall.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

_Rodney_

"**_Oh, stop sulking. You're acting like a two year old._**" Yeah, well what about you? To get my attention, you practically threatened to hold your breath until you turned blue!

"**This is your fault, you know.**"

"**_How'd you figure that?_**"

She sounds amused. Stop sounding amused! There's nothing funny whatsoever about this. "**All you had to do was keep your mouth shut while I was working.**" I realize that for you, this may be an Olympic feat.

"**_You have no idea what it's like inside here, OK?_**" Now that is mildly amusing… in a totally idiotic way. It's my head, of course I know what it's like!

"**Yes, yes, I do. I know exactly what it's like in here because I live in here. I like it here!**"

We're walking down one of the inner corridors of the city. I'm sure I'm a great source of entertainment as I stride past people while seemingly talking to myself. So absorbed am I in arguing with Cadman in my head that I don't even notice Katie when she comes up from behind.

"**Rodney?**"

"**_Be cool!_**"

Right. Just like you were when you were giggling at Carson. "**Katie! Hi.**"

"**Is, uh, everything OK?**" Oh, no. Not her, too! I'm not crazy!

"**Yes! Yes! Everything is just fine. I was just, uh ...**"

"**_Talking on the radio! Talking on the radio!_**"

" **...talking on the radio. You're well, I take it?**" All right, I'll admit that was a good save on your part. But don't get any more ideas!

"**I, uh, heard you ran into some trouble offworld today.**" Huh. What exactly did she hear? I wonder what sort of rumors are spreading around the city.

"**Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, but everything's fine now - it's all been sorted out. Back to normal**." Yes, yes. Normal. Normal is good.

"**Good. So we're still on for tomorrow?**" God, I hope so. I hope I haven't screwed this up.

"**Yes, yes. Yes, actually, I'm ... very much looking forward to it. In fact, I'm sure it'll be a, uh, ... you know, a wonderful ... evening, and what not.**" Nice. I'm sounding like a blithering idiot! It's all Cadman's fault.

"**Right! Well, I'll see you then.**"

"**Mm.**"

Katie's walking away now, but she still doesn't seem convinced that everything's okay. She's staring at me... okay, now she's gone. It's only a matter of time before my inner demon starts nagging again.

"**_You really know nothing about women, do you!_**" And there she is!

"**I know plenty.**" Thank you very much. I've dated before, you know. Once or twice.

"**_Maybe this is a good thing._**"

Huh? Maybe I'm not the one who should be going to Heightmeyer! "**Excuse me?**"

"**_I could teach you a thing or two about the opposite sex, McKay. Lord knows you need it!_**"

"**This is hell! This is my own personal hell!**" Facing a fiery explosive death at the hands of Anubis wasn't this bad!

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_Laura_

McKay is such a big baby. What did he think Dr. Weir was going to do? Let someone who is seemingly ranting into thin air play with alien technology? Besides, doesn't he like blondes? He should be drooling at the chance to see the shrink. "**Oh, stop sulking. You're acting like a two year old.**"

"**_This is your fault, you know._**"

There's a laugh. In case you haven't noticed, I don't have a body right now! Therefore nothing I do can directly affect anything. You're the one who decided to argue with me. "**How'd you figure that?**"

"**_All you had to do was keep your mouth shut while I was working._**"

"**You have no idea what it's like inside here, OK?**" How could I possibly keep my mouth shut? You have any idea what your subconscious looks like, McKay? Let me tell you, you've got some serious issues jammed in here. Freud would be ecstatic at the chance to get you on the couch… in a purely professional way, of course.

"**_Yes, yes, I do. I know exactly what it's like in here because I live in here. I like it here!_**" Well then, clean up the place already!

"**Rodney?**" Oh, no. There's Katie. Damn, her timing sucks! She'll never believe the wild story of me being stuck in McKay's brain. She'll just run away screaming from the crazy man instead. If I had a forehead, I would have started banging it against the wall.

"**Be cool!**" You know, like John Travolta in that movie "Get Shorty." Maybe we can still salvage this.

"**_Katie! Hi._**" Good. Even McKay can't screw up a "hello."

"**Is, uh, everything OK?**"

"**_Yes! Yes! Everything is just fine. I was just, uh ..._**"

Think fast, Laura. Gotta think fast. "**Talking on the radio! Talking on the radio!**"

" **_... talking on the radio. You're well, I take it?_**" It's a miracle! He listened to me.

"**I, uh, heard you ran into some trouble offworld today.**" Oh, you have NO idea.

"**_Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, but everything's fine now - it's all been sorted out. Back to normal._**" I'm not sure the words "normal" and "McKay" belong in the same sentence.

"**Good. So we're still on for tomorrow?**" Hmm. I hadn't thought of this before, but our predicament may give me a unique opportunity...

"**_Yes, yes. Yes, actually, I'm ... very much looking forward to it. In fact, I'm sure it'll be a, uh, ... you know, a wonderful ... evening, and what not._**" Oh, very smooth, Dr. Love.

"**Right! Well, I'll see you then.**"

"**_Mm_.**"

All right, listen up! "**You really know nothing about women, do you!**" Fortunately, I'm going to take pity on you and give you a crash course.

"**_I know plenty._**" Yeah? That explains why you're suddenly sweating and your heart is pounding. Courtesy of the Wraith, I can now feel it, too! It's an experience I can do without.

"**Maybe this is a good thing.**"

"**_Excuse me?_**"

"**I could teach you a thing or two about the opposite sex, McKay. Lord knows you need it!**"

"**_This is hell! This is my own personal hell!_**" Yes, and I'm Satan. If he's not careful, I'm going to flash-fry his ass.

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_Rodney_

I'm here in Heightmeyer's office, ready to waste an entire hour of my time. She's hot, but I happen to think she's a lousy shrink. And believe me, I've had plenty of experience with them! "**How do you feel you're qualified to help us with this problem, huh?**" I take back everything I ever said about medicine being voodoo… psychology is ten times worse!

"**I'm not. Who could be? This was not covered in medical school! But I have spent quite some time as a couples therapist.**" So you want me to believe that the SGC, who undoubtedly had their pick of renowned psychiatrists and psychologists, chose a couples therapist as Atlantis' only mental health professional! We're lucky we're not all drooling idiots by now.

"**_We're not a couple!_**"

Truer words were never spoken. "**In any sense of the definition - not a couple**."

"**_No!_**"

"**In physics, a 'couple' is defined as a pair of forces equal in magnitude acting in opposite directions.**"

"**Hmm.**" Oh, aren't we clever? Tell you what, lady. You don't attempt to teach me physics and I'll refrain from calling you a simpering fool.

"**So you don't feel that applies here?**"

"**Yeah, that's very clever, but we're not equal forces.**" Maybe because... oh, I don't know... SHE'S INHABITING MY SKULL!

"**_Watch it!_**"

Oh, don't get your panties in a twist. "**And what I mean by that is she's just a voice in my head - I have control of the body.**"

"**_I've seen your body, McKay - you can keep it._**" Bite me, Cadman.

"**How do you know that? She's been able to access the part of your brain that creates speech and controls hearing - why not movement?**" All kidding aside, Doctor Heightmeyer, I think you're getting too caught up in your fascination with the phenomenon. Let's just concentrate on getting her out, okay?

You're not going to let this go, are you? Fine, let's talk, then. "**Well if she could have, she would have by now.**"

"**Maybe you need to release control.**"

"**Why would I do that?**"

"**Because, like it or not, you're sharing that body. The roles could have easily been reversed, Rodney - you could be trapped inside her body. And wouldn't you like a chance to, say, talk to others without having to go through her?**" Oh, so what are we going to do? Work out a joint custody agreement? This is ridiculous!

"**_Yeah!_**" You would say that.

"**Maybe**."

"**_Maybe!_**"

"**OK, yes, I would want that**"

"**So let her**."

"**Oh...**" I believe this is where Carson would say something like, "Bloody hell!"

"**Close your eyes, take deep breaths and stop trying to control everything for a second**." Hey, I admit it. I'm a control freak, it's what I do.

"**_Hullo? Hullo?_**" Oh my God, this is weird! I hear my own voice coming out of my mouth, but I'm not making up the words. I have no control over what I'm saying! She better not make me say anything stupid.

"**Laura?**"

"**_Oh, this is weird! Hearing his voice when I speak!_**" You have no idea. Try hearing your own voice when you don't actually control it!

"**Can you move?**"

"**_I dunno - let me try._**"

Oh, that is just gross! My fingers are wiggling themselves in front of my face. No way, this isn't happening anymore. "**OK, that's enough of that.**"

"**_Oh, come on!_**"

"**Doctor McKay, we were just starting to make progress.**" Is that what you're calling it?

"**Well, progress won't be necessary if we can get her out of here. Now, I have calmed down - so has she. Let me get back to work.**"

"**_Oh, OK_**."

"**Really? Oh, she-she's fine with this, by the way.**"

"**_...Sorta..._**"

"**Sorta. So, yeah, can I...?**" Out of here!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Laura_

I can feel McKay fuming, and for once I agree with him. This really is a waste of our time. "**_How do you feel you're qualified to help us with this problem, huh?_**" Okay, I'm not sure I would have put it quite that bluntly, but otherwise he's spot on.

"**I'm not. Who could be?**" Well, that's refreshingly honest."**This was not covered in medical school! But I have spent quite some time as a couples therapist.**"

Hey! "**We're not a couple!**"

"**_In any sense of the definition - not a couple._**"

"**No!**" I'd rather get busted down to private and clean the puddlejumpers with my toothbrush!

"**In physics, a 'couple' is defined as a pair of forces equal in magnitude acting in opposite directions.**"

Wow, I wonder if McKay knows what it looks like in here when his blood pressure goes up like that. Can a person's head actually explode? "**_Hmm._**" I don't have to hear his thoughts to know what he's thinking!

"**So you don't feel that applies here?**"

"**_Yeah, that's very clever, but we're not equal forces._**"

"**Watch it!**" Between that and "girlie," you are so on my shit list, dude.

"**_And what I mean by that is she's just a voice in my head - I have control of the body._**"

"**I've seen your body, McKay - you can keep it.**" I probably should warn Katie, too.

"**How do you know that? She's been able to access the part of your brain that creates speech and controls hearing - why not movement?**" Huh. In spite of what I said earlier about Heightmeyer, that's actually a good question.

"**_Well if she could have, she would have by now._**" Definitely!

"**Maybe you need to release control.**"

"**_Why would I do that?_**" You selfish bastard.

"**Because, like it or not, you're sharing that body. The roles could have easily been reversed, Rodney - you could be trapped inside her body. And wouldn't you like a chance to, say, talk to others without having to go through her?**"

Guess I'll have to rethink my opinion of shrinks in general and Heightmeyer in particular. "**Yeah!**"

"_**Maybe**._"

"**Maybe!**" You are so full of it, McKay!

"**_OK, yes, I would want that._**"

"**So let her**... **Close your eyes, take deep breaths and stop trying to control everything for a second**." He listens.

"**Hullo? Hullo?**" Thank you, God! I have control again. This mouth of McKay's is actually saying what I want it to!

"**Laura?**"

"**Oh, this is weird! Hearing his voice when I speak!**" My... his voice sounds really strange to me now. Kind of like hearing your own voice on your answering machine.

"**Can you move?**"

"**I dunno - let me try.**" Well, would you look at that! My fingers are wiggling... Hey!

"**_OK, that's enough of that._**"

Give me control again, damn it! You've hogged the body long enough! "**Oh, come on!**"

"**Doctor McKay, we were just starting to make progress.**"

"**Well, progress won't be necessary if we can get her out of here. Now, I have calmed down - so has she. Let me get back to work.**"

He has a point now, too. Now that we've established to a shrink's satisfaction that I do indeed exist, we should probably work on separating ourselves. "**Oh, OK**."

"**_Really?_**" Don't make me regret it."**_Oh, she-she's fine with this, by the way._**"

"**...Sorta...**"

"**_Sorta. So, yeah, can I...?_**" And we're gone again.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

_Rodney_

"**Alright! Let's give this bad boy a try... Start her up and slowly ease her into it.**" Radek and I have been working for quite a while on this particular simulation. I'm really tired, so I'm glad these results look promising. The sooner I get Cadman out of my head, the sooner I can sleep without her nagging at me.

"**No, no, no, no. It's not ready. Some of these calculations are not right.**"

"**Maybe you just don't understand them.**" Come on, Radek. The last time I was wrong on a calculation was when I overestimated the amount of plutonium I would need for my sixth-grade atomic bomb. At least it wasn't a working model...

The German scientist at least knows who to listen to. She's starting things up now. Looks good... looks good... looks good... DUCK! Damn explosions.

"**Scheiss!**" Hey lady, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

"**What the hell happened!**" Do I have to do everything myself around here?

"**We started it up.**"

"**I said slowly ease her into it!**" I guess I do need to do everything.

"**I was at three percent.**"

Zelenka's acting like a bureaucrat. "**The power requirements are delicate. We should have run more simulations before we ...**"

"**Yes, yes! Twenty-twenty hindsight.**" Fine, let him have his moment of triumph.

"**You shouldn't be here.**"

"**I'm sorry?**" Excuse me, what did you just say? In case you've forgotten, this is my lab and my life we're dealing with! I'm not going to leave either in the hands of underlings! Especially one that's probably dying to get my job.

"**We are telling you these calculations are wrong. Having two consciousnesses inside of a single brain must be very taxing.**"

Why, you crazy Czech bastard. "**Listen ...**"

He interrupts. "**You're making mistakes.**" Let me see that thing! Oh my God, he's right. How could I have missed that? That result is off by a factor of two! "**Now leave it to me, before you do more harm than good.**"

Fine. Zelenka, I sure as hell hope you're as good as you think you are.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Laura_

Believe it or not, I think I'm actually feeling a bit sorry for McKay right now. If there's a problem, he needs to be doing something about it, not sitting on the sidelines waiting for someone else to try and solve it. He's like me in that way. "**_Alright! Let's give this bad boy a try... Start her up and slowly ease her into it._**"

"**No, no, no, no. It's not ready. Some of these calculations are not right.**"

"**_Maybe you just don't understand them._**" From some of our earlier interactions, I know McKay really respects Dr. Z., although he'd probably die before admitting it. McKay is scared and trying to hide it.

Unfortunately, it looks like he has a good reason to be scared. They just tried to test the transformer... and it blew up. I like a good explosion as much as the next gal, but not when my life and sanity are at stake! (I'm not sure which is more important at this point.)

"**_What the hell happened!_**"

"**We started it up.**" I don't know who that woman is, but I've got to hand it to her. She doesn't look intimidated at all by McKay.

"**_I said slowly ease her into it!_**"

"**I was at three percent.**" She's being tactful. She knew this would never work.

Zelenka's more to the point. "**The power requirements are delicate. We should have run more simulations before we ...**"

"**_Yes, yes! Twenty-twenty hindsight._**"

"**You shouldn't be here.**" Wow. That's blunter than I've seen before for Dr. Z. But if you look at him really closely, you can see the concern in his eyes. He respects McKay, too, even though he gives back as good as he gets when they bicker.

"**_I'm sorry?_**"

"**We are telling you these calculations are wrong. Having two consciousnesses inside of a single brain must be very taxing.**" You have no idea. It's taxing for both consciousnesses! When this is all over, I'd love to tell Zelenka exactly what it was like in here!

"**_Listen ..._**"

"**You're making mistakes.** **Now leave it to me, before you do more harm than good.**" Remember how I said I can't read McKay's thoughts? I can't, but I can pick up on the physiological responses. His heart rate just jumped at least 40 beats, and he's feeling lightheaded. Despite the snarking, he's more upset than he's letting on. He relies on that brain of his so much; it must be awful to feel like he's losing it.

See? Who needs Heightmeyer when you've got me?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Rodney_

This day was truly from hell, and it's lasted far too long. I can't sleep, though. Too many thoughts running through my head, and not all of them are mine.

"**You're up late.**" Thank you, Colonel Obvious!

I'm not all that comfortable around Sheppard anymore. At first it was probably my lingering guilt about building the atomic bomb that he almost rode straight to hell. Now... I don't know. He's been distant, preoccupied. On P3M-736, he left me hanging in a tree, of all things! This isn't the John Sheppard I used to know; I'm not sure who this new guy is.

Best to keep things on a very superficial level. "**Mmm. I couldn't sleep - I was, uh, trying to clear my head.**"

From the looks of it, he's feeling uncomfortable, too. "**I, uh, hear the transformer test didn't go so well.**"

I wish the rumor mill around here weren't so well developed. "**Well, you heard right.**"

"**Uh, listen. I wanted you to know that I gave the command to take the Dart down.**" Yes, I know. And I know you had to do it, but you could have at least showed more regret about it than you actually did. Did you think at all about the likely horrific deaths that Cadman and I would have as a result?

"**Well, much as I'd like to pretend that this is remotely your fault, the thought of what would've happened if you hadn't shot the Dart down is, uh ...**"

"**So, we're cool.**" Typical Sheppard. Some of us have a wider vocabulary, though.

"**No, you're cool, I'm fine.**"

"**You should get some sleep.**" Your concern for my wellbeing is touching.

"**_I could actually use some rest, Rodney._**"

Well, you're the reason I haven't been able to sleep! "**She says she's tired.**"

"**Goodnight.**" Heh. He can't get out of here fast enough. Run away from the crazy man, why don't you.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Laura_

McKay isn't the only one who can't sleep. As he haunts the corridors, I'm having trouble resting, too. I'm starting to feel really strange, like I'm losing my hold on reality. Maybe that's par for the course when you don't have a body, but who knows?

"**You're up late.**" Part of me tries to snap to attention before I realize that I don't have hands to salute with! And I think that McKay would be pissed if I made him salute the colonel -- doubtless the two of them would bicker about it for days.

"**_Mmm. I couldn't sleep - I was, uh, trying to clear my head._**"

"**I, uh, hear the transformer test didn't go so well.**" Don't think of it that way, sir. After all, it only blew up part of the lab.

"**_Well, you heard right._**"

"**Uh, listen. I wanted you to know that I gave the command to take the Dart down.**" I hadn't been sure, but I figured it was him. I know I would have done exactly the same thing in his position. Letting the Wraith know that the city hadn't been destroyed would have been the ultimate disaster. They'd come back and lay siege again, and we would be hopelessly outgunned.

I understand this, but I'm not sure McKay does.

"**_Well, much as I'd like to pretend that this is remotely your fault, the thought of what would've happened if you hadn't shot the Dart down is, uh ..._**" Well, well. Sometimes he surprises me. He does get it. Guess the selfish bastard act is partly for show.

"**So, we're cool.**"

"**_No, you're cool, I'm fine._**" However, he still doesn't always play well with others.

"**You should get some sleep.**"

Thank you, sir! "**I could actually use some rest, Rodney.**"

"**_She says she's tired._**"

"**Goodnight.**" Don't look so disturbed, Colonel. I really am in here. McKay's not making this one up. (He isn't that imaginative.)

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Rodney_

All right. Back in my quarters. Maybe this time I will be able to sleep. Ahhh. Nice prescription mattress. Glad I made them haul it over here on the Daedalus...

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Laura_

Finally! It sure took this guy long enough to fall asleep. But he's out now, and it's time to see if Dr. Heightmeyer's theory about control was correct.

All right! I can open my eyes. McKay isn't complaining, so I'm betting that his consciousness is still asleep. (Did that sentence even make sense?) Anyway, I've got the body. Now what am I going to do with it? Just staying in his quarters and resting is boring.

Hmm. How am I going to find an excuse to go to the infirmary? Dr. Beckett seems like someone who stays up late at night. Maybe as McKay, I can find out more about what he thinks of me. (Okay, that sentence didn't even remotely make sense. Screw it.) Let me just pull the zipper at my throat down for effect, and... show time.

Walking to the infirmary now. Need to act casual in case anyone sees me... us. Ah, here we are. Sure enough, the good doctor is hunched over his computer, drinking coffee. And doesn't he look fine in that black sweater of his! Just give me a minute to enjoy the view...

He's looking up at me now. "**Busy?**"

"**No, no. Come in. How're you feeling?**" That's so sweet of him. Really, I'm fine, though. I'm just here to see the doctor... as a precaution. Yeah, that's it.

"**Fine**."

Why are you looking surprised? Oh yeah, probably because McKay's a hypochondriac. "**Really?**"

Ooh. Here's my chance. "**Hmm. Merely because of Cadman. She's calming, you know? Between you and me, I am damned lucky it was her.**" That wasn't laying it on too thick, was it?

"**Should you, uh ...?**"

"**Oh, she's asleep - can't hear a thing.**" Come on, talk to me, doc.

"**Oh. Well, yes, then, she seems like a lovely lady.**"

YES! If... when we get out of this, I'm going to buy you a drink. Then you're going to buy me one, and we'll see what happens from there. "**Oh! That is so nice!**" I pat his hand, then leave mine on top of it. He's got nice hands... strong, competent...

Oops, gotta be careful. Dr. Beckett doesn't know it's me controlling our body. He's just going to think it's McKay being even nuttier than usual. "**Oh, um, you wanna, uh, do me a favor? You know, you wanna, uh, ride shotgun on this date tomorrow night?**"

"**With Dr. Brown?**"

"**Katie.**" She doesn't really like to be called Dr. Brown. She says it sounds like the cream soda.

"**You're going through with it?**" He doesn't look like he thinks its a good idea. To be honest, I have some doubts, too, but it's such a good opportunity to teach McKay about the female mind. Katie's my friend, and I don't want him to hurt her by acting like a jerk.

"**Well, I've cancelled on her so many times. I don't wanna mess this up.**" It's probably too late for that, but at least we can try.

"**But what d'you want me to do?**" Nothing. Just sit there and let me stare at you. Oops, I meant to say that you should give me a hand.

"**Listen - I don't think it's any big secret that I am terrible with women...**"

"**Ha!**"

"**...having someone there to cut me off when I start making a fool of myself would be a great help.**" I'm so bad. If someone were to actually do that, McKay would never get a word in edgewise. "**I'd consider it a personal favor.**"

"**OK, Rodney, fine.**"

"**Great!**" Oh, yeah. While McKay and Katie are having their fun, I can have some of my own. It's only fair. Before I can stop myself, I pat Dr. Beckett on the shoulders. "**And, thanks!**"

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

_Rodney_

I cannot believe how tired I still am. I can barely open my eyes, never mind drag myself out of bed. Wait a minute. What's going on? This is most decidedly NOT the bed I fell asleep in. "**Where am I**?" I look down and realize I have a bigger problem. "**Where are my clothes!**"

"**_Can't we sleep just a little longer?_**" Great. I should have known.

What time is it, anyway? "**It's two in the afternoon! Where the hell are we?**" And why hasn't anyone come looking for me? Am I that dispensable... oh yeah, that's right. Elizabeth threw us out yesterday.

"**_We're in my room. Your mattress sucks._**"

"**That is a prescription mattress - I need that for my back.**" Whoa, whoa, whoa. Focus on the important stuff. "**Now, how the hell did we get here?**"

"**_I walked here while you were sleeping._**"

Oh, is that all? "**You did what!**"

"**_Yeah, well, it was a lot easier to use your body when you were asleep._**" Hello, "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" here! Aren't there laws against this sort of thing?

"**Pants! Where are my pants?**"

"**_They're over on the chair._**" I will not think about how they got there. I just won't! I'm just going to get up very slowly and go get them... Oh, crap! She's going to see me buck naked. Let me just grab that sheet over here.

"**_Seen it!_**" Oh, thank you so much for telling me that.

"**We have gotta set some boundaries!**" You are a guest in my head. An uninvited guest, at that. You will refrain from taking control of my body and stripping it naked!

"**_Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I'm kinda used to sleeping in the buff._**" I didn't need to know that either, for God's sake! This is way too much information.

"**You have crossed a line here, Cadman.**"

"**_I guarantee it was more traumatic for me!_**"

I will not call her a bitch.

I will not call her a bitch.

I will not call her a bitch.

If I think it often enough, maybe it will actually be true.

Ow, ow, ow! What is that? Why do my legs feel like someone's holding a red-hot poker to them? "**Why are my legs burning?**"

"**_Oh, I took us for a run before we went to bed._**"

Exercise? "**Why in the world would you do that?**" Don't you get enough exercise running around with toy guns all day?

"**_Because it helps me unwind._**"

In case you haven't noticed, you don't have a body to unwind! I, however, do have a body, and you're destroying it! That reminds me... "**OK, OK - this is very important. Did you ingest any citrus? I am deathly allergic to citrus.**"

"**_Uh-oh_**." I'm a dead man... again!

"**Uh-oh?**"

"**_Rodney, look - I worked out, I came here and I went to bed. Jeez, loosen up!_**" Oh, so you think that's funny? Let's see how you like anaphylactic shock!

"**I would love to, but every muscle in my body is sore from your stupid workout!**" Now, how can I put on my boxer shorts while maintaining some semblance of dignity?

"**_So what's on the board for today?_**"

"**More of the same. Why - do you have any ideas?**" This could be truly terrifying.

"**_Yeah - actually I do._**" Lovely. Have I mentioned the dead man thing yet?

So much for dignity. "**Don't look!**"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Laura_

I don't want to wake up yet; I'm way too comfortable. I just want to lie here and relax. Something will come up soon enough to drag me back into the real world.

"**_Where am I? Where are my clothes!_**" See, what did I tell you?

McKay can really push my buttons, and he doesn't even have to try very hard. "**Can't we sleep just a little longer?**" It's worth a try.

"**_It's two in the afternoon! Where the hell are we?_**" Interesting. Even I usually don't sleep this late. I guess losing your body and getting stuck in someone else's psyche is especially tiring.

"**We're in my room. Your mattress sucks.**" Come to think of it, no wonder you're such a perpetual grouch! It's worse than the mattress I used during basic training!

"**_That is a prescription mattress - I need that for my back._**" Prescription? Then your doctor needs to be sued for malpractice. Or, better yet, shot. Unless it's Beckett. "**_Now, how the hell did we get here?_**"

"**I walked here while you were sleeping.**"

"**_You did what!_**" I "forgot" to tell him what I was going to try. Oops, my bad.

"**Yeah, well, it was a lot easier to use your body when you were asleep.**" That really didn't sound right. We need to come up with a new vocabulary for this sort of situation.

"**_Pants! Where are my pants?_**"

Aww. He's embarrassed. I didn't think he had any dignity left after some of the stories I've heard. "**They're over on the chair.**"

He's trying to hide himself like a teenaged guy in the locker room. "**Seen it!**" Get over yourself, McKay!

"**_We have gotta set some boundaries!_**"

"**Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I'm kinda used to sleeping in the buff.**" I really wish he didn't need to know that. I never wanted to tell any of my boyfriends, never mind this geeky astrophysicist.

"**_You have crossed a line here, Cadman._**"

Oh, we won't even count the number of times you've crossed that line. "**I guarantee it was more traumatic for me!**"

"**_Why are my legs burning?_**" Good move to gracefully change the subject.

"**Oh, I took us for a run before we went to bed.**" You're lucky I'm really tired, or I would have taken us on an early morning run, too.

"**_Why in the world would you do that?_**"

"**Because it helps me unwind.**" It might be a good habit for you to get into, too. You could definitely stand to unwind a bit.

"**_OK, OK - this is very important. Did you ingest any citrus? I am deathly allergic to citrus._**"

Oh, for crying out loud..."**Uh-oh**."

"**_Uh-oh?_**"

"**Rodney, look - I worked out, I came here and I went to bed. Jeez, loosen up!**" Case in point. You're going to worry yourself into an early grave if you don't learn to relax. Now, far be it from me to tell you how to live your life, but now I've got a stake in your survival, too!

"**_I would love to, but every muscle in my body is sore from your stupid workout!_**" Aww, pooor baby.

"**So what's on the board for today?**"

"**_More of the same. Why - do you have any ideas?_**"

Funny you should ask. "**Yeah - actually I do.**" Who knows, you might even learn something.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Rodney_

Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me! "**No, it is completely out of the question.**"

"**_Why? You'd rather go it alone?_**" Actually, at this point I'd rather not do it at all. The thought of a disembodied voyeur sure as hell leaches away any romantic feelings I might have had! Oh, God. I can't believe I'm actually thinking about romantic feelings. Cadman's rotting my brain!

"**Oh yes, imagine that, I'd rather go it alone!**" Come on. You can't tell me that if our positions were reversed you'd be any happier about me tagging along.

"**_Well, consider the opportunity, right? To have a woman there with you, helping you out, feeding you lines._**" Who, you? Hate to break it to you, Cadman, but what makes you think you're any better at this than I am? I haven't exactly seen your social calendar being all that full.****"**_I really think you could learn something._**"

"**Thank you for the offer, Cyrano, but I think I'll pass.**" Do you military types even read literature like that?

"**_I was there when you bumped into her, OK? I felt how nervous and awkward you were._**"

"**Well, I'm sure that has nothing to do with my current situation.**" Oh, no. Walking around with two personalities in my body couldn't possibly make me feel out of sorts!

"**_Come on, Rodney, let me do this for you! Maybe this is why this happened._**"

" '**This is why this happened'**?" She didn't really just say that, did she?

"**_Yeah._**"

"**Are you insane?**" Next are you going to tell me this is fate, or some such crap? You've been reading the tabloids, haven't you.

"**_Considering our situation here, I think I've been extremely reasonable. I can make this a living hell for you, Rodney._**" You already are! "**_This is something I wanna do, and we're doing it._**" For the record, this is a terrible plan.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Laura_

"**_No, it is completely out of the question._**" Typical close-minded guy. Doesn't even bother to consider any plans other than the crazy ones he comes up with.

"**Why? You'd rather go it alone?**" I could let you, but I don't want to be that cruel... to Katie, that is. I'd rather not have her be traumatized and in need of Dr. Heightmeyer's services.

"**_Oh yes, imagine that, I'd rather go it alone!_**"

"**Well, consider the opportunity, right? To have a woman there with you, helping you out, feeding you lines. I really think you could learn something.**" This has to be the first time in history that a guy has a built-in dating coach! I'm sure we'd set all kinds of new records. Maybe we'll even get that Nobel Prize that you apparently crave. In what, I don't know, but I'll think of something.

"**_Thank you for the offer, Cyrano, but I think I'll pass._**" Oooh, nice literary snobbery there, Einstein. Did you read the book or see the movie version with Steve Martin?

"**I was there when you bumped into her, OK? I felt how nervous and awkward you were.**" Ordinarily that would make me want to cringe and run for the hills at the mere thought of observing your date. But like I said, Katie's my friend.

"**_Well, I'm sure that has nothing to do with my current situation._**"

"**Come on, Rodney, let me do this for you! Maybe this is why this happened.**" Maybe I'm supposed to make you see the error of your ways. You know, like Scrooge. I'm the ghost of girlfriends past, present, and future.

" '**_This is why this happened'_**?"

"**Yeah.**" Okay, fine. I don't really believe it, either. But you gotta admit it sounds good!

"**_Are you insane?_**" Not yet, but I'm getting there.

"**Considering our situation here, I think I've been extremely reasonable. I can make this a living hell for you, Rodney.**" Believe me, I've got plenty of ideas. "**This is something I wanna do, and we're doing it.**"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Rodney_

"**I'm late - sorry. Hi.**" I don't suppose you'd believe the excuse that I was stuck getting rid of another woman -- who happens to be trapped in my head!

"**Carson kept me company. Sit down - the first course is all set to go.**" She really does look beautiful... Wait a minute. Did she say Carson!

"**Carson?**" I realize that your dating life isn't that great, either, but what the fuck? Why are you here during mine?

"**Rodney.**"

"**What are you doing here?**"

"**You invited me!**" Oh, don't give me that clueless look, Dr. Kildare. Surely you can come up with a better answer than that! Why would I invite you to a private date? Especially since I can't even remember doing it... oh. This must have happened during Cadman's little joyride in my stolen body!

"**Oh, I did, did I? Yes?**" Cadman, not only have you crossed the line, but you have also trampled it into dust. Have I told you recently that I'm SO going to kick your ass when this is all over!

"**Please, sit.**" Katie doesn't seem to think anything weird's going on. (Either that, or she's hiding it pretty well.) At least this salad looks good, though...

"**_Don't start eating, you idiot! Make a toast first!_**"

"**Yes, yes, yes!**" Oh, shit. What am I going to say? Come on, Cadman. Now that I want you to talk, you clam up. Make yourself useful! "**A toast - to you. We've been working together for ... some time now, a short time, but, um, in that time I've ... often found our interchanges very, um ... um ...**" Isn't it about time for a Wraith attack? CADMAN, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

All right. What would I want a woman to say to me in this situation? "**What I mean to say is that, um, you're very funny, and smart...**" Good, good. What else? "**...and, uh ... from what I can tell, you ... make a delicious salad.**" Not so good. Let's just end it. "**So, to you.**" Whew!

"**Yes, cheers!**" Carson looks like he's going to have a nervous breakdown. Join the club, my friend.

"**_Very good! That wasn't so bad. She's obviously into you, so at least we have that working for us. Now, I was thinking that we m... Wait, McKay. McKay. Stop drinking the wine. _**

**_You're gonna get drunk._**" And this is a bad thing why? "**_Actually, wait, yes! You need that to loosen up a bit. Finish it off!_**" Never mind. If it's your idea, then it is a bad thing. But since I've already had 5/6 of it, I might as well finish it off. "**_Good boy! Yeah!_**"

Oh, I may be your bitch right now, but I'm NOT a dog, dammit!

"**_Say something, McKay! C'mon, say something that'll start a conversation._**"

Yeah? Such as, 'Isn't it fascinating to watch a colleague slowly go insane?' Or, 'How about that Athosian football team?' "**So, um, do you, uh ... um ...**"

"**Yes?**" You're probably regretting this date now, aren't you?

"**Forgot what I was gonna say... What was it? Um ...**" Hey, what are you doing? Stop that!

"**_OK, this is ridiculous. Katie, I really like you. In fact, the past few months here have been made more liveable thanks to you. I wanted tonight to be special, but for reasons I can't go into now, I gotta leave._**"

"**I'm sorry to hear that.**" Me, too! This isn't my idea! Give me back my body!

"**_But I don't want you to be insulted or to wonder whether or not I am interested in you. Because I am ... I am very, very interested._**"

OH MY GOD! WHAT DID YOU JUST DO, CADMAN! I KNOW YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR BODY, BUT ARE YOU COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR MIND, TOO? How could you kiss her like that? (Not that I'll ever admit it, but that was a pretty good kiss. I wonder if I can replicate it...)

"**_See you soon._**" Did you just make us caress Carson? Forget it, I don't want to know.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Laura_

I hate to say this, but I'm starting to have second thoughts. I'll probably wind up scarred for life after watching McKay's fumbling attempts to date Katie. On the other hand, since my life may not be that long, perhaps being scarred won't be so bad. Anyway, it's too late to turn back now. We're about to enter Katie's quarters.

"**_I'm late - sorry. Hi._**"

"**Carson kept me company. Sit down - the first course is all set to go.**" Oh, yes. That's the other reason for me not to have second thoughts. Forget the first course, I've already got my eye candy.

"**_Carson?_**" McKay sounds flabbergasted. Is this another thing I forgot to tell him? Oops, I did it again.

"**Rodney.**"

"**_What are you doing here?_**" Good, at least he's staying calm about it.

"**You invited me!**"

"**_Oh, I did, did I? Yes?_**" Now you're catching on, dear. You owe me for hogging the body in Heightmeyer's office.

"**Please, sit.**"

Wait, wait, wait. What are you doing? "**Don't start eating, you idiot! Make a toast first!**" Didn't anyone teach you anything about social occasions?

"**_Yes, yes, yes!_** **_A toast - to you. We've been working together for ... some time now, a short time, but, um, in that time I've ... often found our interchanges very, um ... um ..._**" Come on, hot shot. You're the one who wanted to go it alone. "**_What I mean to say is that, um, you're very funny, and smart..._**" Hey, not bad. Maybe your mother managed to teach you some manners after all. _"**...and, uh ... from what I can tell, you ... make a delicious salad.** **So, to you.**_"

I'll drink to that. "**Very good! That wasn't so bad. She's obviously into you, so at least we have that working for us. Now, I was thinking that we m...**"You'll drink to that, too, apparently. "**Wait, McKay. McKay. Stop drinking the wine. You're gonna get drunk.**"

Hmmm. A drunk Rodney McKay has interesting possibilities. "**Actually, wait, yes! You need that to loosen up a bit. Finish it off! Good boy! Yeah!**" Whoa. I think I'm getting carried away here.

Jeez, look at him. Everyone else is eating, and he's sitting there like a lump. "**Say something, McKay! C'mon, say something that'll start a conversation.**" You know, something like. 'My, how hot you look, Carson.' Wait a minute -- that's me. You say something like 'You look lovely tonight, Katie.'

"**_So, um, do you, uh ... um ..._**"

"**Yes?**"

"**_Forgot what I was gonna say. What was it?_**"

All right, enough's enough. I've obviously vastly overestimated your meager conversational abilities. Time for a pro to take over. Watch and learn. "**OK, this is ridiculous. Katie, I really like you. In fact, the past few months here have been made more liveable thanks to you. I wanted tonight to be special, but for reasons I can't go into now, I gotta leave.**" There.

"**I'm sorry to hear that.**"

"**But I don't want you to be insulted or to wonder whether or not I am interested in you. Because I am ... I am very, very interested.**" Whew! This is only the second time I've kissed a girl like that -- and there's no way in hell anyone's finding out about the first time. "**See you soon.**"

On that note, I think we'd better go. Oh, and by the way. I hope you're taking notes, Carson. Because I want you to say and do something like that to me!

TBC


End file.
